Why Breakup Hurts... and why it shouldn't

In this post, I talk about the evolutionary cause behind the painful feeling we have after we have a breakup

So the explanation I’m gonna give is not originally from me. It’s the one I got to hear from Naval Ravikant, and I don’t know who he learned from. Or if he came up with it on his own after reading Darwin’s work.

Anyway, here’s the reason why a breakup hurts most:

So, I’ve never been into a relationship… Although I tried multiple times but got kicked out every single time. Embarrassing!

That’s why I haven’t actually felt what “breakup” feels like, but when my proposal wasn’t accepted, I wasn’t feeling good.

And that’s why I know, for sure, breakup hurts!

So the short answer is, it’s in our genes to go crazy whenever we lose a bond with our potential mates.

And the long answer just explains why.

Now there could be two “whys”.

First, why is this behavior in our genes?

And the answer to that is- In any species, any behavior that’s repeated for generation after generation, gets the part of the species as far as it’s not being troubled by the environment.

Okay, quite a mouthful.

The above statement simply means, if there’s any trait in any animal, that trait is going to be part of that animal’s nature after getting repeated through multiple generations, provided that the trait is not opposing to environmental rules.

And it’s obvious to understand how that happens- Gene.

Our gene is what carries the information of our bodies. It then copies it, and passes it on to our children.

That’s why we have most of the attitudes and traits that our ancestors had. Because gene doesn’t die out easily. It vanishes only through the elimination process of evolution, one of which is known as the survival of the fittest. That is, the person with “sick” parts won’t live longer, in comparison to a perfectly healthy person.

So that’s the reason why most part of our body and trait is similar to what our chimpanzees like ancestors had.

Anyway, let’s now talk about the second “Why”

Which is, why breakup used to hurt even to our ancestors?

And to explain that, I’d have to walk you through a long way of explanation, so buckle in.

Let’s suppose there used to be a homo sapiens, Roy.

And as it’s been expected through findings, that in early times humans used to live in small tribes, say a tribe of 100 individuals.

Now, Roy is a unique person, of course, and he likes a unique female he would want to mate with. Let’s say that the quality he looks for before making love with a female is A, B, and C.

Now, let’s suppose there are 50 females in the tribe. And only one of them, Mary, has all those 3 qualities.

And that’s why Roy would want to have mated with Mary.

Mary, let’s suppose also looks for the qualities A, B, and C that Roy has in him… And that’s why she has no trouble making love with him.

Okay… So the relationship is set.

They’re happy together. But one day, a mistake is done by Roy. Let’s say Roy wasn’t respecting her.  And that caused the breakage of the relationship.

And then it hurts.

Why?

Because the tribe Roy lives in is very small, and the chances that Roy’s gonna find another girl with qualities A, B, and C… Or he’s going to get accepted by a girl because of his qualities is also very low.

That’s why nature has built Roy’s brain in a way so that Roy, at first, tries his best not to have that bond broken in the first place. And if it breaks, Roy feels guilty and learns a lesson that he doesn’t want to let that happen again if, by chance, he meets any other girl.

Now it kinda sounds woo-woo that nature does all that, but it’s true. That’s what we call evolution.

We evolve based on the rules of nature and based on our own habits.

Nature wants every species to pass on its gene. And that’s why nature gets Roy to maintain the relationship with Mary as well and has him make sure that the bond is secure…

But by mistake, if it breaks, it hurts. It drives Roy crazy because now he can’t pass on his gene anymore. Now, Roy isn’t worried about passing on his gene.

It’s nature that’s worrying.

Nature worries about species more than the species do itself. Nature arms us with necessary qualities and EMOTIONS to make sure we’re living well enough to generate offspring and take good care of them.

The keyword here is- emotion. All the emotions we have, in a way or other, help us to survive. Take for example the emotion of fear. We have a very bad framing around it, that fear is not good. But hey, it’s fear that got you to run away from a grizzly and save your life in savannah.

If you would’ve been a rational being, and started analyzing whether it’s a cheetah behind the bush or a rabbit… The chances of you getting passed onto his stomach would’ve been more.

And that would’ve been a barrier for your species to pass your gene onto the next generation. That’s why nature armed you with an emotion “Fear”… You get scared when something moves and run away. And that saves your life. And thus, increases your chances of mating with a female and producing offspring.

One more example you could see of emotions is the emotion of love between mom and a child.

You see, when an offspring enters the world, it’s vulnerable.

It needs someone else to feed her, to take good care of her.

That’s why mom feels closest to her child because nature has built her brain, throughout thousands of years, in a way so that the offspring remain safe. And that is gonna happen only when someone’s there to protect the child. And that’s why mom doesn’t want to let her child go, in any situation. She’s always there to protect her child and even seduces a man to stay with her at all times to fight off any kind of dangers.

Men seduce women to produce offspring, and women seduce men to help her to take care of that offspring. Things aren’t clear, by the way. Because the society we’ve been living in has also played its role in changing our brains.

So you can’t really draw a line of distinction between the way we’ve evolved, you can just give a near to close explanation.

Anyway, when I say nature… I don’t necessarily mean the green trees you look around you, or anything that’s on the outside world. Here, with nature, I also mean the nature inside of your body. Especially the gene. Gene is a part of nature and it’s selfish. It gets a creature to do everything that makes the gene safe and helps it grow. So when I say- Nature- don’t be confused.

Anyway, let’s drift back to breakup.

So that’s why breakup hurts.

Because we lose a chance to pass on our genes. Now there could be several other reasons why that happen. In fact, I certainly believe that there is. I believe in love. I believe in slight mystical reasons for things, and since I can’t define those reasons, I choose not to go into it.
Now the question is- Why breakup shouldn’t hurt us anymore?

Okay, so in earlier times, when we’d live in a tribe of 100, getting hurt from a breakup would make sense. Because if you don’t feel bad after losing a potential mate, you’d have fewer chances of mating with her/him and thus, fewer chances of passing on your gene.

(Well, here I may get tempted to talk more about males and less about females… And I’d want to be excused for it, for two reasons. First, being a male makes me write as a male… And that’s the reason. So you can interchange ‘his’ with ‘her’ etc. That wouldn’t make a difference. And second, I’m sticking to one gender only for the sake of simplicity.)

That’s why it was important to get hurt after a breakup thousands of years earlier.

But today? It’s not.

And the reason is the number of potential mates you have around you.

Now here I’m talking from the perspective of evolution and biology. I’m not taking into account the “mystical” reasons for things. So if it hurts, I apologize… NOT. I’m talking what’s nearest to truth, so far.

So, unlike earlier times where a person can’t go into another society and find a mate, we don’t have such a barrier. Now we don’t live in a tribe of 100 anymore.

We’re living in a tribe of millions.

So, if you’re a person who would want to mate with someone with the qualities A, B, and C… such that the person also wants to mate with the person with qualities YOU have…

Now see what’s happening here.

You don’t only have to find a potential mate who YOU want to have sex with, that other person should also want to do the same with you.

And this correlation was tough to find in earlier times… But today…

You can find thousands of such correlations.

Today, there are thousands, if not millions of persons with who you’d want to have a relationship, and that same person would, in turn, want to have a relationship with you.

That’s why, if a breakup happens in the modern world, that’s nothing to worry about.

You’re going to find another, almost the same person.

You see, your gene or nature had you to feel an emotion of pain. Why? Because that was a bad step towards the growth of your gene. And your gene didn’t want it. And that’s why it made you feel guilty.

But even today, your gene is carrying that old mentality. It thinks that you’ve lost a chance to pass it on.

But hey, you haven’t.

There are thousands of chances in the modern world. If one’s lost, no problem… 10 is lost, no problem… 100 is lost, no problem.

Because one day, you’re going to find someone who’d want to stay with forever, and the same would come from the opposite direction.

Anyway, things are always clear, that’s why you see some exceptions around you. Like the people who don’t find themselves in any relationship throughout their entire life.

Why?

Well, for the first, they’re an exception.

And for the second, they haven’t met enough people to see if any of them would be fit for a relationship.

So, don’t feel too bad after a breakup.

There’s a long journey ahead. Go and live out in the world. Meet new people, and increase your chances of finding a better relationship.

See ya.

Shivang

Hey, now I've gotten a bit lazy towards learning things. I don't feel as much excited to learn things as I used to. Now I'm focusing more on my writing career and not the ideas of science. 

But hey, I didn't say that I don't learn at all. I do read science books, watch science videos. So yeah, you don't have to worry about it.

I'll jump in, although less frequently, and share with you the stuff I have to share.

Speaking of sharing, I've got something to share with you. A video clip of Sam Harris' lecture.

Go and watch it and let me know- Isn't he brilliant!?

The link's here: 

Also, today's philosophical dose is here:

Always live in the present. Because everything there you have is “IS”. Rest is "was" and "will be". If you feel stressed, it's not because of what's happening in the present moment. It's because of what you're anticipating as the future of the situation. So shut that out, and almost always react to what's happening in the present.